It's been a long time since rock and roll...

Waiting..
waiting on the world to change

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Καλώς ήρθατε!
watch out as the day passes by

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Saturday, March 13, 2010

11:31 AM

I've just realised how bad the month of March is.

So many things have happened, too many for me to comprehend why, or how.

Thought that it'll probably be a good month since it was the month of Founder's Day.

But I was wrong.

To start things off, I get rejected on the first day. Then I lose a close friend in school, and quietly the people around her are turning their backs on me as well. Another friend struggles with relationship issues, and then another close friend breaks up after dating for a year. Another close friend gets a UTI, almost worrying me to death. After that a church friend collapses during a cross country run, risking brain damage and kidney failure, and is probably sedated right now as I type this. All this while I struggle and disappoint myself with my end of semester Project.

Is this how St Patrick's Day is really supposed to be?

No, really.

It's not even halfway through the month and so many things happen.

Usually when times like these come, a questions pops up in my mind. Why do bad things happen to good people? Then I remember, I'm not even good to begin with. None of us are.

I start to think, and I start to wonder. I try my best coming up with answers or explanations. Now that doesn't work, so what can I do?

I try going mad, cause hey, most geniuses are mad anyway eh? Doesn't work either.

Then I try insulating myself from all these negativity, see if I can get through without emotions getting in my way. Ends with me in pieces.

Is there anything I can do?

No, there isn't.

Except for one thing.

Pray.

I don't have the answers, but I know someone who does.

And He knew them even before they happened.

Trading innocence for wisdom is something we all yearn for when we realise that there's too much knowledge for us to handle. There's only so much we can take, but yet our ego pushes us as we go along, feeding us with ideas that we can know everything just because we can.

We judge because we can.

We condescend because we can.

We bring downs others to justify our own rights.

Because we can.

But, really, is that all we can do?

All the little things.

Aye, so breaking news, I've stopped playing Maple so that I can play Granado Espada. Yeah, it's weird, but I just did, don't ask why. It's actually pretty enjoyable, but it's obviously alot more slow paced than my BankaiStory!

P1's picking up as well, hope everything goes smoothly on Monday.

Till then, we'll just keep marching on.

That's what this month calls us to do.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

10:07 AM

So I've not slept for about 35 hours now.

And that 30 minute nap at Gary's place was like finding a drop of water in hell.

Just for the record by the way, Min Er is a fat boy. No really, she is.

Had a pretty weird day, where everything was done in a trance-like manner, probably cause I didn't sleep. If you're wondering why I stayed up, work. And I didn't even finish it, what a disappointment. But thankfully Melvin and Gary found the solution to our problem and we've more or less completed our animation sequences for our project. Just need to refilm the interview and scenery shots again, and we're done. Mansoor was pretty hard on us though, pinpointing every little detail in our video footages. But I guess it's all for a better mark.

Can't wait to edit the Gay Bar scene =p and it's ironic that it's a scene involving me o.o

So yeah, basically my day was spent in the 3D animation studio, editing animations and playing around with sound effects. Ended off the day watching Gary getting owned by Aeroga magic spells on FF13 with Xin Yi. Ah Vanille and Hope, so lovely when they interact. How I wish I was Hope =p

Oh, and Jams for Lunch has been pushed to the first week of school in April, which means I'm free this Monday. Also means I'll be going through DOTC2 and DOC first. Mixed feelings about it, actually. Excited to meet new people, but I'm also worried about the effort I'll hafta put in for these camps.

Camps.

Good old memories of Barker.

Sitting at the tennis courts in the alluring darkness.

Watching the stars twinkle and dance to the lifesong of your heartbeat.

So sleepy now.

And my head hurts.

I'll see you soon.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

9:59 AM

Hope.

What was it ever there for?

Woke up feeling really awkward today. Had a dream, but can't remember anything about it. And that's what makes me feel weird I guess, when you know that the sweeper of dreams walks by you every morning only to sweep away what could have been dearest to you. Then you start to wonder whether there really is someone who decides what you are to dream of every night.

The Awakening.

So yeah, I woke up, had a porridge lunch my Dad cooked for my Grandma and I, and left for Gary's place. As usual I was late, and the silence that welcomed me really made me wish that I wasn't. Angela was watching anime, Melvin was animating the work we already had, and Gary was busy being completely taken away by every moment of FF13. Honestly it is a great game. Amazing graphics, interesting gameplay, brilliant character design. How I wish I had a PS3 right now...ah artificial vanilla icy...wait what.

Got started on work immediately, started cleaning up audio and video clips, converting my JPEG images to PNG images, etc. Then started slacking by playing Maple. Yes, I know, don't judge me.

Something really shocked me today.

Been a long time since I've been this puzzled.

I can't say much, because I have never been in that situation before. But it's pretty safe to say that all of us, at some point in our lives, have had that similar kind of hope.

Some of us hope that maybe we'll get good exam results.

Some of us hope that we'll get through the whole week of school.

Some of us hope that friends who've turned their back on us would realise that something's missing.

Some of us hope that telling your wife you've got a raise, instead of telling the truth that you've really been retrenched, would make the anxiety go away.

Some of us hope that we won't have to hope anymore cause maybe things will go our way.

Guess what Melvin said was right. We all hope only to regret it. But he missed out a point.

That's just that journey.

Honestly, I wouldn't say it's over until the fat lady sings. And nope, not even caught a glimpse of her yet, so we'll all hafta keep on moving. It's pretty corny, but it's true.

So we may feel empty. We all are, after all, empty vessels burdened by the weight of sin, trudging through an ugly world. You may not believe it, but I do. That emptiness will be filled somehow, and that depends on what you choose to fill it up with.

We're all meant to be broken so that we know how to be fulfilled.

Some things change. Some don't.

What does, is up to us.

It's pretty awkward to read your old posts. No, really, it is. Haha. Felt like someone else wrote it when I was reading it. Can't believe I actually wrote all that.

Realised how many times I posted about how useless I felt when it was a time someone needed my help the most.

A similar incident happened recently, just a few months back, and I could say this one was the ugliest of all. But hey, reminder right there.

It's pointless feeling useless. And after all this time I've still not learnt.

But no, not this time.

Tonight's the night the world begins again.

Monday, March 08, 2010

11:17 AM

A cat purrs as she sits there waiting for someone to pat her.

A plane flies across the ocean at the speed of sound.

A country falls to its knees as soldiers of a foreign nation march out in drives.

A person decides that maybe it's time to start blogging again.

Ok, so maybe I've decided to start blogging again. It's been a long two years since I've touched my blog. And those two years have given me enough time to see the difference between then and now. Alot has happened, too much to write in a URL. Too much for this little soul to grasp and understand.

If you're wondering why I'm back to blogging, I just need some form of cartharsis. No really, I miss those times where I could talk to myself and no one would notice, but it isn't easy to do that with all eyes on you, is it? So I do it here instead.

I miss writing.

I really do.

So hey, it's P1 now, and I'm supposed to be editing scanned images of drawings and animate them. I need to edit video footages as well and find a way to make them look and sound alright. Need to put the images together to animate them, and after that I need to chuck in sound effects. Of course, rendering as well.

Really not a time to be fooling around.

Got Jams For Lunch happening next Monday as well, and I still have no idea what's going, except that it is going to happen no matter what. Also thinking of identity ideas, yes, an identity, for Ophys aka my DOC group.

Also a list of events that made me worry alot last week. Still in the midst of the hows and whys.

So yep, a short post for more shortcomings.

Really.

I do.

But you won't.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

8:42 AM

Ok.

So I'm back.

Still holding on. Supposed to be sleeping, but I can't sleep.

Hillsong was brilliant. Never had a time like that since FOP last year. Well Fusion this year was supposed to be special...but it keeps bringing me to a different perspective.

Gave it all I had. Had a sorethroat and my limbs were aching after the concert. And it's also pretty stressful juggling between two groups of friends...man Noelle you weren't alone. Man, miss hanging out with the seniors. It's been a long time, yea it was since FOP I went for an outing like that. And after the concert I was supposed to meet the rest at T3, but they went to T1 instead, so I decided to go back.

And I also went for cell. Coincidentally the video Edmund Bek showed was strangely related to what I was going through. And yep, lotsa catching up. Talking to Edmund, Justin. Yep. Hanging out in Caltex pass 10 again. And buying my milk tea. Haha. But alot of people were overseas also anyway. Daniel, Prash, Ben. Yep. And it's kinda odd not seeing everyone in school uniform anymore. Like Damien and Xavier would be in white and navy blue. So will Josh and Luke. Yep, and people like Becky and Choey would be in Mg uniform. But now they're all in their jc uniform, home clothes, whatever have you. Man I feel like a kid! =D

And sunday. Well going on a lunch date with Noelle was cool. Edmund Tan (Notice I'm putting surnames cause it can get confusing at times) joined us soon after that too. Haha man it was the sunday he finally came and I didn't sing in the choir. How screwd up am I...haha. Yep, and choir practice was cosy. I mean, a cosy feeling I guess. Small crowd. Oh yea and dear Noelle didn't sing too cause of her sore throat. But it's getting better now.

FYI I'm not typing the events in order. Just rambling.

And I'm totally in love with the Saviour King.

As in, not the song.

The Real Saviour King.

Haha I've been pulling through and it's because of Him. Slowly picking up the pieces again. Going back to what I've been doing. Like faithfully going for cell on fridays (I hope), being able to juggle between my 2b2 06 friends (Chia, Zach, KKP, Barney, DJ, JD, Nico, Mitch), 07 batch (Xavier, Damien, Bin Soon, Matt Ong, Prash, D.Ang, other cell mates and seniors), BBB [Last B stands for brothers, btw](BT, JK, JP, BC, JL, others). Aye too tired to tpe all the names. It's hard, but I hope they all understand...I'm caught up in different world nowadays. So yep.

And I read the history of the Greco-Persian War today. I'm officially a nerd. Whoopie.

And Leonidas and Aristodemus are cool people.

I wanna be a spartan. Hawhaw wild dream.

Already revised for chem spa tomorrow.

Guess I'll drown myself in a game of Dawn Of War.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

9:49 AM

I'm feeling useless again.

Well, at least saturday was fun. Yep, Lazer Tag at Punggol Primary. Didn't turn out to be BQ at all, heh wrong info. And before that I had some other enrolment parade rehearsal also. Gosh, haven't played the drums for so long. Feels good again. Jammed abit with Weyshi also. I'm kinda looking forward to PND now, though I know I can't cope.

Lazer Tag was brilliant too. Teaching and helping out, with friends like Bryant, Xavier, Saiful. Haha pretty cool. And the dinner and everything, great. Walking around the shopping mall too. Reflecting back at life. Sharing their experiences with me. Kinda understand how they miss it all. I miss it all too. Man, all the fun stuff happens in their batch. Why couldn't I be born 10 months before...oh well. But yea, it was great hanging with them. And I won't be seeing Bryant for 3 weeks. He's going off on holiday for 3 weeks. Crazy, ain't it. =p

And there're so many things I wanna post about saturday. Just that I'm not in the mood now.

I don't feel accomplished. Saturday's was one of the times I felt useful again, like as if someone finally acknowledged I was there. It's that feeling again, that I've lost along the way all this while. That pride, passion.

But now, it's back to square one.

Coincidentally Mr Mak sent an email with a powerpoint around this topic.

Going back to the start. It hurts.

I've not been talking to Noelle properly lately. And I don't know why I can't cheer her up anymore. I can't do what I did in march. Why didn't I even notice she was disappointed.... I can't think of anything now...and it hurt me when she said I was making her upset.

I can't really save anyone, can I...

And that phonecall on friday...I really blew it.

I've been screwing up this whole while.

Why

I'm throwing my second chances away

Why

I guess that's why I've been turning to friends. 2B2 06s, seniors, ex bsf mates.

I'm trying to get my old life back...I still can't accept change.

I'm slowly breaking down here.

And I try picking myself up with worldly things...

And I guess only Saiful knows what I'm talking about...

I'm such a dumbass.

I've lost my true ability...whatever happened to that drumming spirit. That passion for people, to be a blessing?

All I'm doing is hurting now...I know running away won't help...

But I can't find my strength anymore...

I don't feel like it's me anymore...like...I don't feel appreciated at all...and the friends I've been making...are they really right in the sight of God?

Sometimes people disappoint me...

I remember when he said that God spoke to him. I felt encouraged, and inspired to move on. I remember the leadership he took in ltc. I respected him. And the ideas he had of helping me. And I remember when he promised he'd raise 800 bucks for the council. And when he had ideas of leading worship.

I was so looking forward to it.

But it never happened.

I'm so confused with my trust now.

Have I been walking rightly?

I want my past back.

My old friends.

My old family.

My old talents.

My old achievements.

My old memories.

My old me.

I guess I'll never get them back.

That innocence...

Hafta keep pressing on.

Like what that powerpoint slide(sounds cheesy, I know) said..it's not easy.

But pick up the pieces of your shattered hopes and dreams, put them all together and move on.

I've never wanted this ending.

But hey, it's barely the start.

Btw...was woken up by my phone ringing....yep and an sms saying someone sent me an email.

Read it already...I really wanna do my best to make up...but so many things going on.

And so I decided to post.

I wanna be an encouragement to people...I've been trying hard...but most of the time I don't even know when to start...

I'm just a sad song....

And everyone's singing along.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

8:20 AM

There I go again.

The stupid things I do.

Why am I always like that?

I hate myself for hurting them.

Hurting her, especially.

I'm regretting a whole lot now.

I need a love that never fails.

My own love has failed.

Failed me.

Failed her.

Just wanna say sorry.

I've always relied on the help of other people.

When am I gonna stand up for myself.

How am I gonna do things myself.

Why do I want to be independent, when I can't even last a single second.

There're so many things I think I know.

Forgiveness.

How can a sin be forgiven?

Have you ever tried?

'Maybe you need to forgive yourself first'

Here I go rambling.

Just needed to type out something.

Why can't I just learn.

Without humility, you'll never learn.

Second chances.

Prayers.

Never noticed that inner beauty in her.

I'm freakin regretting a whole lotta shit here.

And I've got a whole list of people to apologise to.

Well, I'm pretty experienced in this.

I meant the pissing people off part.

Right.

Always wanted to make a change.

And this is how I change it.

Great.

What a dumbass.

Me.

Forgive and forget.

I don't think I can forgive myself for doing that.

It's a war.

In me.

Outside me.

Everywhere.